Fresh Briefs: X

how to get over your (VERY NEARLY) first love in 5 super-simple steps:

  1. realize that the funny feelings you felt were a completely natural neural chemical reaction that came as the result of spending a large amount of time with a person who was completely undeserving of 90% of the positive adjectives you associated with them. for whatever reason (likely your lack of meaningful real relationship experience and a constant overwhelming Disney desire to be loved in a romantic sense) you brick-by-brick built this person up to a standard they never could live up to, a standard they never were living up to, even before they met you and were likely better off to begin with. in the face of actual, reciprocated Romantic Feelings, you refused to recognize reality and instead found it easier to plug your ears, shut your eyes, and slurp the ten-gallon tangy/sweet smoothie of romantic delusion and then had the nerve to complain when it gave you a stomach ache.

  2. erase this person’s phone number, every digit, not only from your contact list, but from your recent contact list so you can’t just type in the first few letters of this person’s name in a later moment of weakness and message them. erase any group messages this person may also have been a part of. change your ringtone to something in a decidedly different octave so you no longer associate that sound with this person. permanently purge your photo library of every picture containing this person and any picture that may momentarily remind you of this person. unfollow, unfriend, and unadd this person from any and all social media outlets and allow yourself to publically post one or two subliminal (but very obvious) messages directed towards them, but definitely delete those later and pretend as if those corny thoughts never even occurred to you. then chuck your cell phone into the puget sound.

  3. fuck someone else and don’t tell anybody.

  4. distract yourself from thoughts of this person through keeping a busy schedule and re-focusing on The Important Things. change one small aspect of yourself (hairstyle, drink order, furniture arrangement, etc.) so you can point to who you were before and after this whole hurtful ordeal, conveniently distancing yourself from this person in the process. be sure to maintain a cordial relationship with this person because that is the Mature thing to do, but also allow yourself to be cynical about love for a while and dwell on each of this person’s irritating quirks and harmful habits, reminisce on all of the petty arguments and near blow-ups that began to derail everything in the first place, briefly badmouth them to your closest friend, and then, when you are alone, turn every terrible thing you ever said about this person back on yourself, because more likely than not everything you started to hate about this person was really what you hated about YOU, and everything you loved was all you could never be.

  5. remember that you were really never, actually, truly, 100%, head-over-heels, head-under-water, cloud 9 certified in love with this person, that the whole thing was just whatever, that the whole thing really wasn’t all that, that you’re over all that, and feel relieved that you have now so completely crossed this person out from your life—X.