forkbomb(2)

He wants to not only want to press buttons.

This rather rude realization sticks him between the ribs right as his right ring finger is mid button depression; the RETURN key, as it were; just a single of the sixty-four buttons on his depression station that supply his brain matter bliss.

But more than any other, one button’s love _clicks_ for him; and so feverishly favored by his fingertips is this particular button, this RETURN key in question, that for its plastic trapezoidal mold, he has now developed something resembling (though explicitly NOT identical due to stringent copyright conflicts) GENUINE HUMAN AFFECTION™; the same brand which has produced the world’s finest works of art, caused countless murders, senseless suicides in droves, and the stubborn continuation of the damned species which bore them all.

With a few mindless keystrokes the command ‘FOOD’ materializes across the fifty-foot screen he faces forward zombified backward deified drop the zomb- add the -ed and RETURN; there, above his button depression station, an aluminum chute, now distantly rattling, returns to his outstretched hands a mouthful of damp à la cardboard de la crème food pellets and he, most eagerly he, returns the slightly soggy pre-portioned super-sustenance to his watering mouth, chewing most madly free, not for a single moment moving his eyes from the screen no-siree; forgetting just about entirely of the button-related existential crisis at hand.

He has lived within the 10×10 expanse of BOX#406 for as long as he has been able to press buttons, and, between some billions of depressions, the revered RETURN key in question has here and there basically begun to stick; mostly at the most insanely inconvenient intervalia throughout the day; for example, right at this very moment, repeatedly confirming the ‘FOOD’ command on-screen, the aluminum chute gesticulating madly, all filling the cracks between his b.d. station’s buttons with nutrient-dense gov’t-issue food pellets, like in all the guts knotted up good in his gut. And so with the flat of his knuckles and a snarl (his preferred RETURN dislodgification method) he pounds the jammed RETURN key free, and then punches in ‘CLEAN,’ once again tapping RETURN, this time with the perturbed power of a ravenous rottweilerruuPP.

A multi-layered lithosphere of dead skin cells and bark-shade grime has accumulated around the outermost rim of the RETURN key’s carbon fiber cast. Should you hold one or dare you even two (bless you) nostrils to the dark crevices between the key and its hollow frame you can actually smell Death’s toenail clippings. Across an accumulated eight million lifetime unique button depressions, the RETURN key’s laser-etched lettering has weathered to spell only PETUPI.

Some six hundred forty BOXes away, the Sanitation database receives the ‘CLEAN’ command from his b.d. station in the form of 40 binary digits; and by a ping’s pass the mechanical Hands are dangling down from the ceiling plates with their curious impatient fingers, in seconds whisking his BOX spick-and-span. Meanwhile he, with the quick flick of another button, disregards the downright absurd notion which had hacked his head earlier; to want something other than wanting to press buttons! Preposterous; propaganda; PETUPI. Then, after applying a minute amount of pressure to his right temple with the index/middle finger of his right hand, he inputs another command, fingers flying: ‘ANTI-INFLAMMATORY.’ More buttons he presses: PETUPI. Buttons he presses: ‘WATER.’ He presses; PETUPI. Presses: ‘FOOD.’ Presses: PETUPI—

But the key sticks; on-screen an error appears:

 

REINFORCEMENT SCHEDULE HAS: CEASED.

PUNISHMENT SCHEDULE WILL NOW: COMMENCE.

 

Today he is scheduled for the 2000-volt Punishment prods, his personal least favorite form of Punishment. Though slowly he had learned to outsmart the Punishment prods (which throughout the Punishment schedule hover above and subsequently prodify the subject in bodily regions of varying discomfort, once for every button the subject chooses to depress) by, with his finger, applying a small amount of pressure to his right temple INSTEAD of pressing a button. With this tactic he had managed to avoid 3,600 and 12-something individual Punishments over a five-year period. Of course he could not stop himself from pressing buttons entirely. His record low was nine depressions in a single three-hour Punishment schedule, when he entered the command ‘LAVATORY’ and then PETUPI to relieve himself; as Punishment for each keystroke, a hogshead of ice cold grey water was dumped onto his human head, an event he found primarily unpleasant and secondarily demeaning.

Now the PETUPI response key is seriously stuckarini; and no amount of knuckle-rapping will disbar the button, no; his bare hands beet-red from beating the button so hellaciously so, his nostrils flared in frustration HO, his eyes bugging out in disbelief WO.

The problem is that the Punishment prods, on recognizing so many hundreds of repeated button depressions from the jammed PETUPI key, would (exe/lectro)cute him; and him recognizing this grim reality in so many hundreds of vivid vivizations, his weak heart palpitating with pure panic; the button hiding in its frame too deep to be clawed at by his desperate fingernails panic, the button taunting him ALL CAPS PANIC(!), the button saying its name perpetually PETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPI. The previous command ‘FOOD’ repeatedly/repeatedly being sent to the Liabilities database and then pinging back to the client. The metal chute to the right of his b.d. station violently vomiting endless rivers of dietary-dynamo food pellets which soon rise to his ankles and swallow the floor of BOX#406, swallow his feet, PETUPIPETUPIPETUPIPETUPI.

HELL-O, TO-DAY YOUR PUN-ISH-MENT SCHE-DU-LE IN-CLUDES: PUNISHMENT PRODS.

VOLTS: TWO-THOUSAND.

DUR-ATION: TWO MIN-UTES.

Continuation of established panic/palpitations; deep enough to scratch his spine the dominant right arm cocks back; flexing the fingers stiff w/ partway phalange partage for precise aerodynamic optimization; downward swinging at a saucy 26 miles per hour making flush contact with the PETUPI button; the krRACK of a bone snapping;~!~and the click, button coming free. The ‘FOOD’ command ceases to be sent; the chute above his button depression station ceases to deploy nutrients; and the Punishment prod begins to deploy from above.

Today’s Punishment prod, ID NO. P41N7R41N, metal and mantis armed, jockeys diligently for prime Punishment real-estate (locate: liver, check: cranium, protect: penis) from its fixed, ever-rotating position in the brushed aluminum ceiling tiles. And there comes this vaguely pacifying blue glow oozing from the Punishment prod’s point, occasionally crackiting and within close proximity hummiting and tickliting the tiny little hairs in the twisted tunnels of his ear. He fixes his focus bold on the soft pearl of light and then presses a button: PETUPI.

A mechanical whir—; and beneath his left earlobe an electric German Shepherd’s canines seem to sink; his neck tendons set rope rigid; jaw wired shut frigid. His body goes limp. The Punishment prod retreats.

 

The first Punishment of the day is the most difficult Punishment of the day.

 

He found that Punishment displeased him on an inverted bell curve, with the curve’s basin being the zone of least experienced discomfort, and the two end points being the zones of most experienced discomfort, to where the first few Punishments in a schedule were highly unpleasant, with the middle portion being bearable though not ideal, and then, towards the Punishment schedule’s end, finally again becoming highly unpleasant. The second Punishment he would receive today will still rank riiiight in that juicy ‘primarily unpleasant’ zone of the inverted Punishment bell curve’s wheelhouse; and the Punishment prod now aggressively angles for a better shot at his seriously sensitive innie belly button; but still this man has the paralyzing urge to press a button: perhaps PETUPI perhaps.

But he wants, perhaps, to do something besides press buttons.

There it is again(!); that corrupted, demented little thought. Where ever did such an idea come from? To not press buttons? What a thought. What a corrupted, corrupted thought. Certainly, he muses to himself, as one of the Punishment prods jabs him between the ninth and tenth right ribs at a particularly receptive angle; certainly it must be nothing more than a typo in the monkey chit-chatter; why, but a simple mis-rendering of the mind! He is much better off avoiding such thoughts, he tells himself; those and others like it will surely send hot spokes of shrapnel through his skull; brick his brain black; pain that would surely make even the most severe Punishment schedule look like poetry; but still, as he sits stationary at his dependable b.d. station, the wet-dog smell of food pellets filling his palate, activating salivary glands, hearing the low hummmm of the Punishment prod regain positioning on the arch of his lower back—; still he can not not think about not pressing buttons; and these nots twist him.

He would distract himself from the urge to press buttons and not press buttons by eating; and so, high-stepping across to the south-western corner of BOX#406, he retrieves his fork from the drawer, kneeling in the food pellet prairie and promptly gorging himself.

In the fervor of his feast his fork makes contact with an aluminum floor tile over a small carved-out section of food pelletry, six small dots indenting; when the soft blue light from the Punishment prod’s palm goes a hard green GAH(!); and, with little forewarning aside from the shift in hue, a patchwork voice is produced from a pair of stereo speakers embedded within the Punishment prod’s bicep:

‘punishment: paused. HELL-O; PLEASE STAND AND FACE THE PUN-ISH-MENT PROD.’

He did so.

‘SUB-JECT IDENTIFIED. THANK, YOU. YOU, MAY NOW, BE SEA-TED. RE-MEMBER: IT’S O. K. TO PRESS BUT-TONS AT AN-Y TIME THROUGH-OUT THIS PROMPT! THANK YOUR-SELF FOR THINK-ING IN-SIDE THE BOX! CON-TAIN-ER-CORP A-MER-I-CA! … GOOD, DAY; THE CUM-U-LATIVE RE-CORDER IN-DI-CATES YOU HAVE NOT PRESSED A BUT-TON IN FOUR MIN-UTES, EIGHT SEC-ONDS. ARE THERE AN-Y FUNC-TION-AL-I-TY ISS-UES WITH YOUR BUT-TON DE-PRESS-ION STA-TION?’

‘Yes,’ he responds to the prattling prod. ‘The PETUPI key has jammed.’

The Punishment prod’s insides can be heard chirruping.

‘AND YOU STILL ARE A-BLE TO DE-PRESS THE RE-MAIN-ING SIX-TY THREE BUT-TONS ON YOUR BUT-TON DE-PRE-SSION STA-TION WITH ZE-RO ISS-UE?’

‘Yes; but this lodgeified PETUPI key keeps on sending the previous command,’ he says. ‘It’s filled my box with food pellets. I am concerned that the Punishment prod will overload if I input another command which, might I remind you, will. result. in. my. gruesome. death. That’s why I haven’t pressed any more buttons, okay.’

Another chorus of mechanized mumbles.

‘ZE-RO FUNC-TION-AL-I-TY DE-FECTS DE-TEC-TED WITH-IN DE-PRE-SSION STA-TION; GOOD, DAY. punishment: resumed.’

Unshocked totally by this show of ContainerCorp’s lackluster customer service, he prepares the continuation of his food pellet powerfeast, both to avoid pressing buttons and not pressing buttons. But, to his surprise, the Punishment prod curls inward, gearjoints grinding, and achingly withdraws into the ceiling otherwise unannounced, and is gone.

Had his Punishment ended prematurely? Could Button Maintenance Hands be deploying from the ceiling at any moment now? He does not know how to behave or react. There is no instructional prompt on his b.d. station’s wall screen instructing him how to behave or react; only this precise sequence of punctuation, or perhaps alien hieroglyphs to which his eyes are virgin:

 

:(){ :|:& };:

 

Confuzzilated, he strikes the DELETE key, removing the bizarre textual hiccup from his b.d. station’s screen, anticipating the prod’s jolt—but lo, no nasty Punishment prod waits in the wings to paralyze him.

Ah!

O happy is he so!

What is life besides pressing buttons? Everything he has learned about life external to the BOX seems, to him, so excessively unnecessary. How did the freakish social finaglings and capitalistic conquests of the outside world differ from the pressing of a response key and the receival of either Reinforcement or Punishment on the other side? Despite ContainerCorp America’s questionable customer service, he is grateful for having life made so perfectly simple for him. How could he have ever considered not pressing buttons? Buttons are being!

And although there still remains a solid 12 inches of pure food pellet covering the floor of BOX#406, he, the BOX’s lone inhabitant and sixty-fourth occupant, sits at the b.d. station in rare ergonomic form, spine straightened to promote blood flow, arms @ textbook 90°, chest out, chin up, the very position causing immediate discomfort, but, despite this, with a few flawless keystrokes, he types out the ‘FOOD’ command, each button’s depression making the most wonderful music: PETUPI.

HA!

His laugh reverberates between the aluminum walls. Fitfully, the PETUPI response key has jammed, once again again. This has now officially become One Of Those Times He Believes The Buttons Might Actually Be Pressing Him. The chute above his b.d. station now begins to eject its moist pellet-based nutrient payload en masse; the ‘FOOD’ command being sent to the Liability servers exponentially faster at each/every moment; a fibrous mound forming beside his button depression station; the pellets now shin-deep and gaining on the kneecaps.

Into his b.d. station he attempts

to input

the

‘CANCEL’ command but

the PETUPI

key, phantom-pressing

repeatedly,

stuck

pretty much permanently,

mangles his every

input into

‘CANCE,’ ‘LCANCEL,’ ‘CAN,’ ‘CEL,’ ‘CA,’ ‘NCEL,’ etc.

The food pellets rise. The air in BOX#406 goes humid. His spine’s core goes cold. To move he must wade, claw at cancerous food pellet clogs mashed together malignantly with his few meatballed belongings, thrash his legs wildly through the dense nutrient swamp. The combined moisture and compaction of the food pellets stewing up a room-temp. pellet porridge which he so sorrowfully is only a single oat in a quattuorsexagintillion to be ground in. The aluminum chute above his b.d. station now buried; the glossy yet worn surface of his buttons swallowed; PETUPI. The weight of wet food pellets pressing upon the weight of wet food pellets pressing upon his ribcage. In a moment of reptilian mirabilis one final resort slithers through his skull as he presses his arms up against the ceiling to anchor himself—; consume more food pellets than are filling the room. He digs for his back pocket; snatches the utensil; steels himself, and lifts his fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork 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while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork 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while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork while fork 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